


A Drink A Day

by NikiAlex03



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, blatant self indulgent fic because I wish the show had explored this more, discussions of alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28582818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiAlex03/pseuds/NikiAlex03
Summary: “Why do you drink so much?”Magnus freezes, as does Alec.The question looms between them; heavy and unpleasant, for long moments, before Alec is stammering out an apology at the same time that Magnus asks, “What?”
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 12
Kudos: 149





	A Drink A Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This has been playing around in my head for a while now, and so I figured that I would give it a try. The show handled a lot of things in ways that left much to be desired, for me. And this was one of them. I hope you enjoy it <3

Alec is tentative to the point that he spends a full week after finally deciding that he would do it -albeit, eventually, and certainly not anytime soon- trying to convince himself _not_ to do it.

If he really thinks about, really considers the majority of factors here, it’s not even really a problem.

It’s more of a… concern. A mild concern.

But one that Alec has nonetheless been secretly carrying with him, like a nagging little voice at the back of his head, since that day he saw Magnus’ breakdown following his magic being taken away from him.

And he plans it, of course he does. Because this is a difficult topic of conversation and he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, or make Magnus defensive or feel like he’s being cornered. And so he plans, meticulously, to the point that he frustrates himself with his inability to get it right. 

His frustrations peak on a normal Wednesday afternoon in their living room, far from the circumstances that Alec had envisioned in many of the possible ones he’d come up with.

Magnus storms into the room -he’d had a difficult day dealing with a particularly tiresome client, as he’d informed Alec through a series of texts throughout- and so Alec is unsurprised when Magnus first presses a greeting kiss to his cheek and proceeds to make a beeline for the bar cart tucked neatly into the corner of the room.

But as he watches his husband pour himself a drink, Alec’s frustrations grow, because he can’t shake the feeling that there is something deeper at play here, and the thought that he should’ve brought it up by now.

So, with all the lack of a tactful approach that he’d been hoping to have, Alec finds himself blurting out the words he’d been pondering in his head for months:

“Why do you drink so much?”

Magnus freezes, as does Alec.

The question looms between them; heavy and unpleasant, for long moments, before Alec is stammering out an apology at the same time that Magnus asks, “What?”

And damn, this was not how Alec had wanted this to go. At all.

But it’s out there, and he can’t take it back. He’d only regret it if he tried.

He steels himself and asks again, “Why do you drink so much?”

He cannot read Magnus’ expression. It’s strange, as he’d gotten so used to being one of the few people who  _ could _ , but he knows that that had only been because Magnus allowed himself to let his guard down around Alec.

Something he isn’t doing at the moment.

“I heard you the first time.” Magnus says slowly, his head tilted slightly, “What I don’t understand is why you felt the need to ask me that?”

He hears Magnus’ defenses going up, his voice cold and devoid of emotion, and Alec feels the need to diffuse this situation before it gets even more out of hand. He jumps to his feet, “Magnus-”

“Do you think that I drink too much?” Magnus asks; or demands is more like it, for the way that his eyes narrow. 

Alec sighs.

“Yeah.” He says, “Actually, I do, Magnus.”

Magnus’ hand is still on the glass he’d been holding his drink in, and his fingers flex in a minute enough movement that Alec might have missed it had it not been for the utter stillness of everything else in the room.

His eyes are inadvertently drawn to it, and he pulls his gaze back up to Magnus’ face hoping that Magnus hadn’t noticed, but of course he had. He presses his lips together and in a spark of angry blue flames, the glass disappears from his hand.

“You drink almost every day, Magnus.” Alec pushes, because he needs to get this all out, “It’s- I know that Warlocks don’t get drunk, necessarily. Not the way that Mundanes do, but you-”

“You think I’m some sort of-” Magnus stumbles briefly over the word, “ _ Alcoholic? _ ”

“No!” Alec insists, daring to step a bit closer. He stops and masks his pain at Magnus’ stepping back, folding his arms across his chest.

“I  _ think, _ ” Alec continues, “That even though alcohol doesn’t have as much of an effect on you, you still use it the same way that Mundanes do.”

“And what way is that?” Magnus asks, exasperation coloring his tone. 

“So that you don’t have to  _ deal _ with things. You drink more when you’re upset, or when you’ve had a bad day, or when something doesn’t go according to plan. You… it’s a way to avoid confronting those things head on.”

“You sound like you’ve done quite the bit of research on this.” 

Alec feels his face heat up. He had, in fact, done research. Perhaps too much.

“Alexander,” Magnus sighs, letting his arms fall, “I don’t mean to worry you with my… drinking... but you’re right, it doesn’t affect me. I’m not getting drunk every time something bothers me.”

“But you did, Magnus.” Alec reminds him. 

When Magnus furrows his brows, confused, Alec explains, “When you lost your magic.”

Magnus laughs humorlessly, “Can you blame me for that? I was… that was a rough time, I think I deserved to have a few drinks.”

“It wasn’t just a few drinks, Magnus.” Alec counters, “The first time you didn’t have your magic to diffuse the alcohol for you, you got drunk out of your mind.”

“I was  _ struggling _ -”

“And you’re missing the point!” 

At his sides, sparks of blue went off around Magnus’ fingertips. 

“You really mean to tell me,” Alec says, trying to keep his tone even, “That if it weren’t for your magic, you wouldn’t be getting drunk far more often.”

Magnus opens his mouth to respond, and then shuts it, looking away from Alec.

“Your magic acts as a buffer, Magnus. You don’t need to worry about getting drunk, or about getting sick. But that doesn’t take away from the reasons why you drink, and I’m  _ worried _ .”

There is no response for a long moment, and Alec takes the opportunity to cautiously cross the room to where Magnus is standing. He notices Magnus’ shoulders stiffen as he nears him, but ignores it. Distance never did them any good. He takes Magnus’ hands in his.

“I’m worried.” He repeats, “Because- and I know that the chances of this happening again are next to impossible, but if the worst happens and it does, Magnus, I can’t- I don’t want to see you like that again.”

Alec places a hand on Magnus’ cheek, urging him to look at him. Magnus avoids doing so for a second before he finally acquiesces. Golden eyes meet Alec’s, and Alec can see the way that Magnus wants to turn away again, to hide, but forces himself not to. Alec presses a kiss to the top of his head.

“I don’t know.” Magnus says softly. Alec, confused, pulls away enough to ask.   


Magnus shakes his head, “The answer to your question. Why do I drink so much? I don’t know. I think it’s just… habit, at this point, as well as knowing that I will never need to worry about it. Not really.”

Alec nods. He’d known that, or at least suspected that that was the reason. Magnus often summoned a drink to his hands without so much as a second thought, as though the action itself was nothing more than muscle memory. Entirely unconscious. It’s part of the reason why Alec had first decided to ask, because Magnus went through so many drinks that it would be undoubtedly concerning if he were a Mundane.

“And I know that you’re not.” Alec interjects when he sees the rebuttal forming in Magnus’ mind as Alec voices these thoughts, “But you know what I mean. Alcohol is… it’s different. When Izzy-” 

Alec has to pause, the memory of Izzy at what had been her worst something he struggled to talk about even today, “When Izzy went through her yin-fen addiction, and she was going to those groups, something she mentioned is that lots of alcoh- lots of the people there started off with maybe one drink a day, or two. But then that started not being enough for them, and it wasn’t giving them the results they wanted. And so they moved on to  _ more _ , and to stronger things, until eventually, it… they-” Alec breaks off and recaptures Magnus’ gaze, as he had looked away during Alec's rambling, “I keep thinking about  _ you _ . And what if that happens to you? You use alcohol the same way those Mundanes do, Magnus. And what happens if one day you decide that it isn’t enough for you to not really feel it? When you decide that you want to… that you  _ do _ want to be drunk enough not to deal with whatever it is you’re avoiding?” 

Magnus worries his bottom lip, and he reaches up to press his own hand against the one Alec is currently cradling his face with.

“I didn’t mean to worry you this much.” He says softly.

“I know.” Alec replies, and then frowns, “Maybe I just let my mind run away with me-”

“No.” Magnus cuts him off, “No, Alexander, you’re… you’re _ right _ .”

Alec inhales deeply.

“I do use alcohol, for all of those reasons you said. And I use the fact that it doesn’t have the same effect on me to… to tell myself that it’s okay, but you’re right, it  _ isn’t _ .” Magnus continues, “And maybe I… Alec, I don’t know what to do with that.” 

“I’m here.” Alec says instantly, “We can figure that out together. And I mean, I don’t expect you to stop drinking entirely, or anything. I guess I just wanted you to be… conscious of  _ why _ you were doing it.”

Magnus gently squeezes his hand, “I know. I had never considered it before. I just… I’ve been doing it for so long. Drinking is… it’s just  _ me _ .”

“It isn’t you.” Alec rebukes, “Not at all.”

“It lets me forget everything else.” Magnus says, “Even if it doesn’t really work the same way, if I have enough, it can… just a little, sort of fray the edges of my mind. Make things not so…  _ loud _ .”

“I know.” Alec says. Magnus doesn’t get drunk, not really. Not unless he tries to. But he drinks often enough that Alec knows the alcohol had to do something, and he supposes it makes sense the way that Magnus is describing it. Perhaps that’s why he drinks so much when he’s upset. A perpetual haze on all of the things he doesn’t want to think about.

Magnus presses himself closer to Alec until they are standing in a full embrace, the bar cart standing besides them. Alec knows that this is far from over for them. If anything, he thinks that this might have been the easy part.

“I’m here.” Alec repeats his earlier sentiment, “For whatever happens.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments mean that I will love you forever <3   
> I'm @nerdesqque on twitter and @nikialexx on tumblr if you wanna stop by!


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